Despite the fact I just spilled coffee all over myself and my bed and had to madly scrub at my mattress to stop the stain from setting in - I am determined to write this post.
I had the most magnificent day today. I drove to the beach with my best friend and we had a picnic lunch, lounged on our towels and generally enjoyed each other's company. Then I came home, napped for an hour and went for a 20 minute walk in the fading light.
It was, like I said - magnificent.
And yet.
Niggling at the back of my mind was this thought: "Why do I have to be so fat?"
Ridiculous right? The nerve of me, a woman who no one would ever call fat. Curvy perhaps, but fat? I haven't been described that way since I was a little girl.
And yet... I couldn't stop thinking it.
How sad, I thought, that I couldn't go a single day without belittling myself. That I could be in the presence of a person who has never once told me I look anything but beautiful, and still think I was ugly.
It's difficult to be this brutally honest, but I want to face the hard truths in 2017.
I want to face the fact that I am unhappy with my body.
I want to acknowledge my bad habits.
I want to recognise the excuses I've made for a long time.
But most importantly, I want to DO something about it.
Last year I made some progress when I completed the 12-week challenge at my former gym. I put on my 'L' plates (so to speak) and I did incredibly well. Then I fell off the bandwagon. I reverted back to passenger status, and I hated myself for it. The past few days have made me realise that I don't want to hate myself. I want to feel happy when I look in the mirror. But the only person who can make that happen is me.
Negative thoughts will not own me this year.
Piece by piece, I am going to rebuild myself. It's going to be stupidly hard and I'm going to cry a LOT, but I won't give up. I can't. I will feel beautiful, and this is where it's going to start.
Watch me.
(Penalty pic of myself and the bestie I mentioned, at the height of my weight loss last year)
